New feature: DEAR NEWSBOT!
Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 1:11 pm
In order that this reporter might dispense the wisdom that comes from being a futuristic newsreporting robot, vynsane.com news announces a new regular feature, Dear Newsbot.
Our first letter comes from Podunkville, WV:
DEAR NEWSBOT: I was sexually abused by my sister's boyfriend, "Teddy," three months ago. He is five years older than I am, and now I am pregnant.
I don't want to tell Teddy or my family because I am afraid of the consequences -- especially because he and my sister are getting married in three months. I don't want to ruin their marriage, but I can't keep this a secret much longer. I am starting to show.
Please help. I don't know what to do because Teddy is a respectable person and I know they won't believe me if I tell the truth. -- PREGNANT SISTER
DEAR SISTER: Are you retarded?
No, really. Are you retarded? I ask this not to be cruel, but because you certainly sound like you're a few X-Wings short of a Rogue Squadron. You'd even consider letting your sister marry this douchenozzle who fucked her sister and got her knocked up? Even worse that the shithead abused you. Wow. I honestly cannot believe that one as stupid as you was actually able to compose a letter. Or did you merely smear pictures on the wall using your own excrement and ask someone to write for you?
For you to even consider anything but telling her so she can cut his nuts off and kick his neutered corpse to the curb leads me to believe you are retarded. The fact you've let this go on as long as it appears you have actually suggests to me that you are so mentally deficient as to surpass mere retardation altogether.
My most crucial bit of advice: you must get an abortion immediately. For the good of mankind, your flawed genes cannot be allowed to propagate any further. No, scratch that. You must commit suicide. You are so stupid, your very existence is an abomination. If you're not sure how to commit suicide, ask whoever it is that changes your diaper to help you.
Our first letter comes from Podunkville, WV:
DEAR NEWSBOT: I was sexually abused by my sister's boyfriend, "Teddy," three months ago. He is five years older than I am, and now I am pregnant.
I don't want to tell Teddy or my family because I am afraid of the consequences -- especially because he and my sister are getting married in three months. I don't want to ruin their marriage, but I can't keep this a secret much longer. I am starting to show.
Please help. I don't know what to do because Teddy is a respectable person and I know they won't believe me if I tell the truth. -- PREGNANT SISTER
DEAR SISTER: Are you retarded?
No, really. Are you retarded? I ask this not to be cruel, but because you certainly sound like you're a few X-Wings short of a Rogue Squadron. You'd even consider letting your sister marry this douchenozzle who fucked her sister and got her knocked up? Even worse that the shithead abused you. Wow. I honestly cannot believe that one as stupid as you was actually able to compose a letter. Or did you merely smear pictures on the wall using your own excrement and ask someone to write for you?
For you to even consider anything but telling her so she can cut his nuts off and kick his neutered corpse to the curb leads me to believe you are retarded. The fact you've let this go on as long as it appears you have actually suggests to me that you are so mentally deficient as to surpass mere retardation altogether.
My most crucial bit of advice: you must get an abortion immediately. For the good of mankind, your flawed genes cannot be allowed to propagate any further. No, scratch that. You must commit suicide. You are so stupid, your very existence is an abomination. If you're not sure how to commit suicide, ask whoever it is that changes your diaper to help you.