I'm losing interest in SW so fast it ain't funny....
Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 2:24 pm
It's not gone yet. But it's waning. Fast.
First, we have the prequels. Defend them if you will, but they're not up to par with the originals. Lucas took a solid, classic science fantasy story, tossed in a shitload of fanboy wank, and forgot that he needed help to make great movies before.
Boba Fett had absolutely no fucking reason to be in the prequels. And his involvement was a total waste. He should never have been there, and giving him an origin robs the character of what mystique he had left.
Darth Maul and General Grievous: What the fuck were they? Sure, they looked cool as hell, and had some good action sequences, but why include them? Neither added anything to the plot. Either could've been replaced by good storytelling. Instead, we get two of the biggest instances of fanboy wank.
Yoda had two fights, simply so he could bounce around like a fucking Happy Fun Ball. Neither fight actually ended, either. Point?
Jar Jar Binks is set up as a major character. And yet, simply because people didn't like him, Lucas wrote him out of AOTC and ROTS. He needed to evolve, he needed to become a true hero or a martyr. As it is, he's nothing more than a ripoff of half the time spent watching TPM.
No, all the prequels did was establish that the Jedi were beaurocratic twits who all can get killed within split seconds, and that the baddest villain in film history was really only an idiot, a patsy, and a crybaby.
There are so many contrivances, it's not funny. Dooku wants Padme dead, so he hires Jango, who in turn hires Zam, who still doesn't have the balls to do the job herself and sends a droid armed with centipedes, all just so we can see a car chase and bar scene? Wasn't there a simpler, less convoluted way to set up the chase?
Worst, though I'd never say as much elsewhere, as they tend to take themselves seriously, the inclusion of the 501st. Nothing at all against the real guys. If you've got the time, money, talent, and inclination to dress up like a Stormtrooper, more power to you. I am both in awe and fear of your dedication.
But because there's a costume club, the most elite Stormtroopers of all get named after them? And then get official action figures and shit? Why weren't there references to other fan groups?
Speaking of which, why is this fucking armada of clones, supposed to be totally faceless, so colorful? In AOTC, we had colors to designate rank, much like the pauldrons in the OT. Where did this shit with every damned Clonetrooper wearing different armor come from? I'll tell you: Marketing. Even before Hasbro started making up their own, Lucasfilm knew that each different Clonetrooper was a potential unique action figure.
And the action figures. Woah boy. I'll get to them in a minute.
The EU was always kinda goofy, but it was doing a good job of keeping itself plausible for a few years, until very recently. Suddenly, the prequels are done, the New Jedi Order is done, and they have no clue what to do.
So we get Legacy, where Leia's son becomes a Sith Lord, and the apprentice of some stupid broad from the Marvel Comics series who never was a Sith Lord and who's been killed about fifty times already. Why? Because they don't have any ideas, so they throw out everything that makes Star Wars, Star Wars.
Face it, the fucking Force is in balance, and there are no more goddamned Sith Lords. You want to argue, you can suck my dick.
That's not even the worst. There's a comic called Legacy where, 100 (?) years after the latest book, a huge group of Sith Lords rules via an Empire, there's a Rebellion, and there's only one Jedi left, and he happens to be named Skywalker. What the fuck? What story about Spider-Man fighting the Ninja Turtles did you tell a friend in third grade that made him tell you that you had some good ideas? Fans like scantilly-clad Twi'leks? And Sith Lords? And Maul's tats? And double-bladed sabers? Dude! How about a scantilly-clad Twi'lek Sith Lady with Maul's tats and a double-bladed saber!! Every fucking thing in that series is pointless rehash and fan wank.
I've not bought a SW comic in months. I've got four SW novels that I haven't read, and I don't have much interest in reading them anytime soon. I don't know how many SW reference books have come out in the last year, and I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
Non-book EU? Well, we've got a TV show supposedly in the works, though who the hell knows if it will happen? And we've got Lucasfilm canning Tartakovsky (probably because Clone Wars was so good, it made it more apparent how lacking the prequels were), but stealing his designs. Nice. Fucking thieves.
Videogames have always been a bit iffy, but Force Unleashed is poised to take the cake. I got a magazine in the mail a few days ago, and it starts off an article by saying:
It then goes on to say that this line was so open that it was the basis for a game about Vader's first Sith apprentice.
Uh, what the fuck? I didn't miss the significance. It was about the fucking Emperor calling Vader up and talking about Luke being dangerous not thirty minutes earlier in the goddamned movie, you fucktards!
Oh, and Shaak Ti is the first Jedi you hunt down. I swear, that bitch has returned from the dead more times than all the fucking X-Men combined.
But since I brought up Force Unleashed, well, you all know how much this pisses me off. There are characters from the films--some minor background characters that look cool (Yarna, Doallyn), others actual speaking characters with pretty major roles (Cliegg Lars, Jocasta Nu)--that we have literally been begging for since the beginning. But Hasbro, instead of actually listening to what people have to say about their toys, would prefer to repeat the fucking Shadows of the Empire mistake and make a whole fucking line of videogame figures.
Not novel figures, since they have their heads too far up their asses to realize that is (or was) the backbone of the EU, and responsible for the resurgence in SW popularity 15 years ago, but bland, stupid characters from an unreleased videogame. And one that's only on the systems that cost upward of $400, to boot.
And that's when they're not wasting R&D money by popping Jango Fett heads on Stormtrooper bodies.
And never mind that the last two Fan Choice figures were shortpacked. I saw a total of four Ephant Mons. I saw one McQuarrie Stormtrooper. It's the most requested figure, so you're going to waste the money to develop it and then not make it available? What kind of fucked up business logic is that?
And Fan Choice, well, apparently 8% of the voting among 25 characters is a mandate, and we're going to get Darth Cobra Commander from the Who Gives a Flying Fuck videogame this year. Again, instead of something actually necessary, like Beru Whitesun.
On the rare occasions they give us something esoteric that we want, like Snowbunny Padme, it's an exclusive and a pack-in. I didn't need another fucking Artoo and Threepio, especially a Threepio that they went through the trouble of painting snow on but couldn't be troubled to get his fucking body color right.
The Fan Club and Celebration IV? Give me a break. Too transparently scams to even be worth bitching about. ($110 per person to go see vendors booths at an event LFL actually says is basically "make your own fun"? No thanks. Well, actually, since they just announced that the third Stormtrooper from the left in scene 28 is going to be there, selling his autograph....)
Eh, just had to bitch. Like I said, I don't hate SW yet. I'll still get the figures I want. But the whole thing is becoming so fucking commercial and ass-backwards, it's bugging me. Yeah, it was always commercial, but at least there was some recognition that the folks spending the money had some say over what would and wouldn't sell. Now, there's so many fucktards buying everything, worshipping every goddamned thing that every item with SW printed on it, even maxi pads, will sell out.
First, we have the prequels. Defend them if you will, but they're not up to par with the originals. Lucas took a solid, classic science fantasy story, tossed in a shitload of fanboy wank, and forgot that he needed help to make great movies before.
Boba Fett had absolutely no fucking reason to be in the prequels. And his involvement was a total waste. He should never have been there, and giving him an origin robs the character of what mystique he had left.
Darth Maul and General Grievous: What the fuck were they? Sure, they looked cool as hell, and had some good action sequences, but why include them? Neither added anything to the plot. Either could've been replaced by good storytelling. Instead, we get two of the biggest instances of fanboy wank.
Yoda had two fights, simply so he could bounce around like a fucking Happy Fun Ball. Neither fight actually ended, either. Point?
Jar Jar Binks is set up as a major character. And yet, simply because people didn't like him, Lucas wrote him out of AOTC and ROTS. He needed to evolve, he needed to become a true hero or a martyr. As it is, he's nothing more than a ripoff of half the time spent watching TPM.
No, all the prequels did was establish that the Jedi were beaurocratic twits who all can get killed within split seconds, and that the baddest villain in film history was really only an idiot, a patsy, and a crybaby.
There are so many contrivances, it's not funny. Dooku wants Padme dead, so he hires Jango, who in turn hires Zam, who still doesn't have the balls to do the job herself and sends a droid armed with centipedes, all just so we can see a car chase and bar scene? Wasn't there a simpler, less convoluted way to set up the chase?
Worst, though I'd never say as much elsewhere, as they tend to take themselves seriously, the inclusion of the 501st. Nothing at all against the real guys. If you've got the time, money, talent, and inclination to dress up like a Stormtrooper, more power to you. I am both in awe and fear of your dedication.
But because there's a costume club, the most elite Stormtroopers of all get named after them? And then get official action figures and shit? Why weren't there references to other fan groups?
Speaking of which, why is this fucking armada of clones, supposed to be totally faceless, so colorful? In AOTC, we had colors to designate rank, much like the pauldrons in the OT. Where did this shit with every damned Clonetrooper wearing different armor come from? I'll tell you: Marketing. Even before Hasbro started making up their own, Lucasfilm knew that each different Clonetrooper was a potential unique action figure.
And the action figures. Woah boy. I'll get to them in a minute.
The EU was always kinda goofy, but it was doing a good job of keeping itself plausible for a few years, until very recently. Suddenly, the prequels are done, the New Jedi Order is done, and they have no clue what to do.
So we get Legacy, where Leia's son becomes a Sith Lord, and the apprentice of some stupid broad from the Marvel Comics series who never was a Sith Lord and who's been killed about fifty times already. Why? Because they don't have any ideas, so they throw out everything that makes Star Wars, Star Wars.
Face it, the fucking Force is in balance, and there are no more goddamned Sith Lords. You want to argue, you can suck my dick.
That's not even the worst. There's a comic called Legacy where, 100 (?) years after the latest book, a huge group of Sith Lords rules via an Empire, there's a Rebellion, and there's only one Jedi left, and he happens to be named Skywalker. What the fuck? What story about Spider-Man fighting the Ninja Turtles did you tell a friend in third grade that made him tell you that you had some good ideas? Fans like scantilly-clad Twi'leks? And Sith Lords? And Maul's tats? And double-bladed sabers? Dude! How about a scantilly-clad Twi'lek Sith Lady with Maul's tats and a double-bladed saber!! Every fucking thing in that series is pointless rehash and fan wank.
I've not bought a SW comic in months. I've got four SW novels that I haven't read, and I don't have much interest in reading them anytime soon. I don't know how many SW reference books have come out in the last year, and I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
Non-book EU? Well, we've got a TV show supposedly in the works, though who the hell knows if it will happen? And we've got Lucasfilm canning Tartakovsky (probably because Clone Wars was so good, it made it more apparent how lacking the prequels were), but stealing his designs. Nice. Fucking thieves.
Videogames have always been a bit iffy, but Force Unleashed is poised to take the cake. I got a magazine in the mail a few days ago, and it starts off an article by saying:
"I am your father." Spoken on a rickety platform in the bowels of Cloud City, these words are among the most surprising and enduring in cinematic history. In fact, the revelation is so prominent and shocking that many viewers have overlooked the significance of what Darth Vader says to Luke almost immediately afterwards: "You can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny." Some may say this is an empty promise meant to sway the young Jedi, but there is much more underneath the surface....
It then goes on to say that this line was so open that it was the basis for a game about Vader's first Sith apprentice.
Uh, what the fuck? I didn't miss the significance. It was about the fucking Emperor calling Vader up and talking about Luke being dangerous not thirty minutes earlier in the goddamned movie, you fucktards!
Oh, and Shaak Ti is the first Jedi you hunt down. I swear, that bitch has returned from the dead more times than all the fucking X-Men combined.
But since I brought up Force Unleashed, well, you all know how much this pisses me off. There are characters from the films--some minor background characters that look cool (Yarna, Doallyn), others actual speaking characters with pretty major roles (Cliegg Lars, Jocasta Nu)--that we have literally been begging for since the beginning. But Hasbro, instead of actually listening to what people have to say about their toys, would prefer to repeat the fucking Shadows of the Empire mistake and make a whole fucking line of videogame figures.
Not novel figures, since they have their heads too far up their asses to realize that is (or was) the backbone of the EU, and responsible for the resurgence in SW popularity 15 years ago, but bland, stupid characters from an unreleased videogame. And one that's only on the systems that cost upward of $400, to boot.
And that's when they're not wasting R&D money by popping Jango Fett heads on Stormtrooper bodies.
And never mind that the last two Fan Choice figures were shortpacked. I saw a total of four Ephant Mons. I saw one McQuarrie Stormtrooper. It's the most requested figure, so you're going to waste the money to develop it and then not make it available? What kind of fucked up business logic is that?
And Fan Choice, well, apparently 8% of the voting among 25 characters is a mandate, and we're going to get Darth Cobra Commander from the Who Gives a Flying Fuck videogame this year. Again, instead of something actually necessary, like Beru Whitesun.
On the rare occasions they give us something esoteric that we want, like Snowbunny Padme, it's an exclusive and a pack-in. I didn't need another fucking Artoo and Threepio, especially a Threepio that they went through the trouble of painting snow on but couldn't be troubled to get his fucking body color right.
The Fan Club and Celebration IV? Give me a break. Too transparently scams to even be worth bitching about. ($110 per person to go see vendors booths at an event LFL actually says is basically "make your own fun"? No thanks. Well, actually, since they just announced that the third Stormtrooper from the left in scene 28 is going to be there, selling his autograph....)
Eh, just had to bitch. Like I said, I don't hate SW yet. I'll still get the figures I want. But the whole thing is becoming so fucking commercial and ass-backwards, it's bugging me. Yeah, it was always commercial, but at least there was some recognition that the folks spending the money had some say over what would and wouldn't sell. Now, there's so many fucktards buying everything, worshipping every goddamned thing that every item with SW printed on it, even maxi pads, will sell out.
) some of it is very good, VERY good (figures and the odd video game, like BF2, which I enjoyed more than 99% of the prequels JUST for the fuckin story, which is fucking SAD) but most of it is idiotic SHIT... 