the vynsane asylum

Antropov · Post by **Antropov** » Wed Feb 22, 2006 11:28 am

One time my mother-in-law called and asked what I was up to. Me, thinking it was a friend of mine, said, "I'm gettin' ready to take a shit! What's it to ya?!" When she started laughing I realized it was my mother-in-law and I quickly did my best "HA! Just kidding!" laugh and told her I was actually in the shower, that's why the answering machine picked up first. Sheer mortification. Neither of us spoke of it until a month later.

anarky · Post by **anarky** » Thu Feb 23, 2006 3:22 pm

Here's two BM stories that I swear are absolutely true, though I wouldn't believe either if someone told me.

1

Back when I was in kindergarten, when we went to the john as a class after lunch, everyone lined up outside, and one lucky person (the "bathroom monitor") went in first and let a few people in at a time.

On one particular day, the bathroom monitor went inside and screamed, "Ewwwwww, grodey!!" (Keep in mind this was the 80s.) So everyone had to run in and see what was so gross.

In the middle of the bathroom, between the stalls and urinals, was a huge mushy turd. The turd had carpet fibers all through it.

Worst of all, there was a footprint in the middle of the turd, and a few sloppy sneaker tracks leading away toward the door. (Dude didn't even wash his frigging hands!)

2

One night when I was in middle school, I went to the bathroom at a movie theater before going to see the show. (I don't recall what it was, so don't ask.) I went to a urinal without really looking around and was well into my personal business when I realized someone was making a lot of noise in a stall behind me. It sounded like a little kid, so I figured it was some little kid being potty-trained.

When I turned to wash my hands and leave, I couldn't help but notice that the stall door was open, since it was right in front of me. It was not a little kid after all, but a huge 20-ish retarded black guy. He had his pants at his ankles and was dropping shit bombs at the toilet. When one landed in the bowl, he cheered loudly. When one missed, he groaned.

Like I said, I probably wouldn't believe either of these if someone told me, but the shivers going down my spine as I remember them have convinced me they're true.

kidhuman · Post by **kidhuman** » Thu Feb 23, 2006 9:08 pm

That tard story is too funny. Wonder if that was Dell?

Come to think of it, the poor bastard from story #1 who stepped in it was probably Dell too.

jjreason · Post by **jjreason** » Fri Feb 24, 2006 12:15 am

#2 (how perfect) is about as good a story as I've read lately. Thanks for that, Chux.

Slicker · Post by **Slicker** » Fri Feb 24, 2006 2:19 am

A retarded black guy takin' a shit. That's pure gold.

Unfortunately I don't have any good stories to rival you, Chux.

kidhuman · Post by **kidhuman** » Fri Feb 24, 2006 8:57 am

The only thing better than the tard would have been a helper cheering him on.

Dar Argol · Post by **Dar Argol** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 7:05 pm

This is kinda funny. I just had a shit launcher no more then 30 seconds ago. It came out my ass so fast I swear I lifted off the seat a good 2 inches!!! Then I'm looking around and find this thread . . .he he he. Made a hell of a noise in the bowl too . . . kinda like those old sub movies . . . BA-BOOOOOOSH!!!

Hank the Monkey · Post by **Hank the Monkey** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 7:27 pm

All of my shits are launchers! I poop, I grab, I launch, works well. But the ones with the banana peel still in them are particularly ripe[:D]

jjreason · Post by **jjreason** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 7:30 pm

How often do you guys have shits that float? I had a roommate take some dietician course back in university, and apparently every shit should float if you're having enough vegetables. I got some heavy shit kids, I ain't seen a floater in a LONG time.

kidhuman · Post by **kidhuman** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 9:44 pm

I had a floater a feww days ago, first in a real long time. Normally I have the spelunkers that go 1/2 down the drain and stick out the rest of the way.

anarky · Post by **anarky** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 11:32 pm

I hate the fucking musket-ball shits. I call them that because they're like musket balls. They take forever to "load," then a tiny ball of shit pops out in an explosion of gas. Then several minutes to "load" the next one. They'd be funny, except they're normally accompanied by painful gas bloating in your intestines.

Kind of like what I imagine a gerbil feels like when he's trying to claw his way out of your shithole, CaptainSolo1138. I'm sure you can relate, fatherfucker.

Antropov · Post by **Antropov** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 11:48 pm

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by anarkyKind of like what I imagine a gerbil feels like when he's trying to claw his way out of your shithole, CaptainSolo1138. I'm sure you can relate, fatherfucker.
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">You're lucky I've been in the hospital and not responding to shit threads.[:D]

Dell Rusk · Post by **Dell Rusk** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 11:52 pm

shit threads lol that is a pun!

Slicker · Post by **Slicker** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 12:13 am

I just had one tonight where at first it was solid logs then towards the end it was soft serve and I could hear it just squishing out. I was forcing it to see if I'd get one of those awesome farts that echoes in the bowl. Those are louder and smellier than shower farts.

homeless man · Post by **homeless man** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 1:13 am

When you can blow up a dumpster like I can come talk to me n00b.