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LOS ANGELES - Four dead dolphins have washed ashore with fatal bullet wounds and fifth with lacerations on its pectoral fin, said authorities who have offered a reward of a free Whopper at Burger King for information on the slayings, or just for a VHS tape of the Sopranos finale.
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The long-beaked common dolphins were all discovered between Carlsbad State Beach and Oceanside Harbor between May 29 and June 5, by homosexual food service workers who wanted a private place to suck one another's cocks without having to wash their hands before returning to work. Photos showed their normally sleek gray skin mottled and stained with blood from the bullet wounds. Also, one had been given a pretty nasty wedgie.
"It's a horrendous thing that happened," said Mark Oswell, spokesman for the National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration. "That someone would go out there and shoot four dolphins. Christ, if I was going to do it, I'd at least mount the fucking heads on my wall so I could say, 'Dude, check out the dolphins I shot.'"
Necropsies revealed that the dolphins, which were healthy with bellies full of fish and goat semen, may have been shot at the same time with the same gun. Four had between one and three bullets of the same caliber in the same part of their heads. The other appeared to have been dropped from a helicopter, and had a Mini-Cooper shoved into its ass.
Federal officials say that nationwide, they normally get one report of a dolphin shooting a year. The last time San Diego reported such a death was five years ago. Before that there hadn't been one in the area since the 1960s. The National Dolphin Shooting Championship ceased to be held in San Diego in 1962, when it was moved to Dallas, TX, the following year. Unfortunately, the sport was banned that year, when former champion Lee Harvey Oswald mistook President Kennedy for a bottlenosed dolphin.
"It usually turns out to be a fisherman," said Oswell, adding there have been cases when anglers take out their frustrations on dolphins and other mammals that eat their catch. "Of course, whenever we arrest fishermen, we learn after they've been put to death that they were framed by otters."
The agency is offering up to $2,500 for information on the deaths. If caught, the perpetrator could face civil penalties of up to $12,000 or a criminal fine of up to $20,000, as well as jail time. Oh, and death. Don't forget death.
Harassing or killing dolphins is a violation of the Marine Mammal Protection Act of 1972, a federal law that protects seals, sea lions, dolphins, whales and other marine mammals. Except for otters. The Federal Government knows they're assholes.
Molesting dolphins carried even steeper penalties. Just ask that prick Seamus O'Doyle.
